Various  Jokes


 

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The old idea that the joke was not good enough for the company has been superseded by the new aristocratic idea that the company was not worthy of the joke. They have introduced an almost insane individualism into that one form of intercourse which is specially and uproariously communal. They have made even levities into secrets. They have made laughter lonelier than tears. G. K. Chesterton
If all else fails, the character of a man can be recognized by nothing so surely as by a jest which he takes badly. G. C. Lichtenberg
One day God called the jester and asked him: "Where is your brother?" - "I don't know, I'm not my brother's ward!" was Cain's sarcastic reply! 
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. George Orwell
I don’t know jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world. George Bernard Shaw
Suppose the world were only one of God’s jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one? George Bernard Shaw
’Tis no extravagant arithmetic to say, that for every ten jokes, — thou hast got an hundred enemies; and till thou hast gone on, and raised a swarm of wasps about thine ears, and art half stung to death by them, thou wilt never be convinced it is so. Laurence Sterne
All womankind, from the highest to the lowest . . . love jokes; the difficulty is to know how they choose to have them cut; and there is no knowing that, but by trying, as we do with our artillery in the field, by raising or letting down their breeches, till we hit the mark. Laurence Sterne
A man entered a pizzeria and ordered a whole pizza saying: "Cut it in three pieces only, I could  never eat six".
A cannibal invited his friend to diner. After eating, the guest said: "Your wife makes a really good soup". "Yes-replied the other, but I'm sure I will miss her."
During school dinner little Alex called the teacher and said - I can't eat this steak, it' too hard!- The teacher tasted a piece of it and replied - It seems soft enough to me -.  - No wonder -said Alex, - I have been chewing it for half an hour -.
Waiter, waiter, this water is cloudy!   - The water's fine, sir. It's the glass that's filthy!
A woman called her baker and complained: " The three cakes I bought yesterday had flies in them". "Sorry, madam - replied the baker, - but don't worry, if you bring me back the dead flies, I will give you the raisins I owe you!"
It is reported that when Churcill met Stalin at Yalta they discussed about their hobbies. Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell about me". "That's a coincidence - said Stalin, - I collect the people who tell jokes about me!"
My life has been one great big joke, A dance that’s walked A song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke When I think about myself. Maya Angelou
Not exactly...
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "That was when mommy came to work for us?"
Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo." The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position, too...' Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."
 

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