FUNNY & CRAZY NOTICES IN ENGLISH

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In a small town in North Carolina there is a junk yard that has a huge sign on the front of the building that says, "Drive Reckless! It Helps Business!"

I have repeatedly seen the same banner on bus stop benches all over Sacramento, California. They read simply, "Learn to Read. Call xxx-xxxx"

Billboard I saw on a hill down south: Tattoos done while you wait!

A local jewelry store in my town has a marquee out front that says, "We buy old boyfriends jewelry!"

A sign on the back shield of a car: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT OR SHOULD I DRIVE BY AGAIN?

On the dirty back window of a Computer company van, some funny person had written with their finger in the dust www.washme.com.au.

Stupid Signs: I was driving by a KFC and on their marquee it said: "Now Hiring: 2 Chickens for $5.99."

I used to work at a residence for developmentally disabled adults called "Opengate."There was a sign on their gate that read: "Gate must remain closed at all times."

While driving through a small town I noticed a sign that said, "FOR SALE: BUY OWNER"

When I lived on California, one day I was driving down a mountainous road in the desert. I came across a sign that said, "Watch For Trocks." I don't know it it meant "trucks" or "rocks in the road." Ha! Maybe it meant "trucks hauling rocks". Anyway, it was one of the funniest signs I ever saw.

On the way to my sisters house in a small Minnesota town is a building with a big sign on the front door that says "STRIP-N-SHOP." It makes me laugh out loud every time I drive by. Turns out it is a furniture refinishing business.

As I was driving down the Strip in Las Vegas I noticed a sign on a small run-down motel: "This motel highly recommended by owner."

There is a road sign near Cape Cod, Massachusetts that declares: "CAUTION - WATER ON ROAD DURING RAIN"

On a sign at an Indiana college: "Keep Door Close."

In a small town next to where I live, there is a Presbyterian Church with a sign that reads,: "Come join us for Sun. worship!"

I saw a sign in Kansas just off the highway that read: "WHAM for kids, a child abuse foundation."

Here's a sign my friends and I get a kick out of: Sign from a clothing store, "Kids CHEAP!"

Rounding the drive-thru at a local fast food place I noticed a sign on the wooden gates around the dumpsters. It read: "OPENS FROM INSIDE"

There is a mini-mall in San Jose CA. It has a small pharmacy and a seamstress shop located in the mall. The sign out front says: "Lee's Drugs -- Unlimited Alterations"

In the sporting goods department of the Wal-Mart I work at there is a display with a back to school sign. Under the sign are boxes of rifle shells.

On the front of a catholic elementary school Jesus is coming! No bingo Sunday

At the entrance to a small community is a sign that says: Private Property - No Trespassing - No Exit

There is a sign at a small country cemetery near my home that is a little slanted and pointing down toward the ground and it says "ONE WAY."

In Ocean Springs, MS, there is a sign that reads "speed limit 25mph unless otherwise posted." Right below it, another sign reads, "Speed limit 30 mph."

Sign: "Fire wood for sale to go."

While on a vacation in Maine, we visited a water park. To help people who didn't want to stay wet, there was a sign pointing to the changing areas. Right below that sign, which pointed left, there was another one for a viewing area, which -- you guessed it, also pointed left. I wonder who the genius was who designed the park?

In Richmond, KY there was a restaurant named Bonanza and they had a sign that said, "Remember there is no tipping at Bonanza" The place then burnt to the ground and they changed the sign to read, "Remember there is no Bonanza."

This was seen several years ago, also from the Atlanta Vasectomy Clinic, and was in reference to the Atlanta Braves baseball team... "Atlanta Vasectomy Clinic, Atlanta's best Chop Shop!"

On a Plumber's window: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the Psychic Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome, Dog food is expensive."

At a car Dealership : "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay! "

At the Electric Company: "We would be de-lighted if you would send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On a New Hampshire road: "Will build to suit Emory A. Tuttle"

On the grounds of a private school: "No trespassing without permission."

In a library: "Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away."

On a Tennessee highway: "Take Notice: When this sign is under water the road is impassable."

Similarly in a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time you washed your car."

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."

On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.

On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.

On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.

On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.

On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves.

On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.

On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.

On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me.

On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.

On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.

On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.

On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a classified ad: "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a classified ad: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts."

I was driving in the bay area and saw a sign for Continuum Street. Right above it there was a sign indicating the end of the street!!! It looked like this: End - Continuum

On a highway in New York, "Caution, state correctional facility ahead, do not pick up hitchhikers."

I saw a sign yesterday that read "No Outlet", right under it was a tiny sign that said "one block ahead."

A sign outside a furniture store in northern Virginia states (in large letters) "ANTIQUE Tables Made Here Daily."

On a trip to London, we visited a museum which had special facilities for disabled visitors. Many exhibits had small brass plates with Braille writing (you know, with raised dots so blind people can 'feel' the words). The translation underneath said, "PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THIS EXHIBIT."

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorised personnel."

In a number of parking areas: "Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."

On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlour: "Ask about our layaway plan.

On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: "Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience."

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears pierced."

In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

On a North Carolina highway: "EAT" - "300 FEET"

On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower When Wet."

On a New Hampshire highway: "You are speeding when flashing."

On a Pennsylvania highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."

In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnel/No. End."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minute."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

I saw the following warning label at MIT's Junior Lab: "WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye"

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

Guys: No shirt, No service - Girls: No shirt, No charge

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus (translation of the Greek): 'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest

Sign in King's Canyon in California: 'Slow Parking Ahead'

A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town:

An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: restrooms - - - - > Please wait for hostess to seat you.

Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT: Bingo Friday night at 8:00pm Quickies Thursday at 7:30pm.

Seen in a health food store: " Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot "

On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.

On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

On a wet suit: Capacity, 1

And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Nonsmoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed!"

In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

On a New York loft building: "Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor."

In a New Hampshire medical building: "Martin Diabetes Professional Ass."

In the office of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building: "Mental health prevention centre."

In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting."

In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."

In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."

In front of a New Hampshire store: "Endurable floors."

On a radiator repair garage: "Best place too take a leak."

On a movie marquee: "Now Playing: Adam and Eve with a cast of thousands!"

In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.

On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.

On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

Bargain basement upstairs.

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Horse manure per pre-packed bag do-it-yourself.

After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

This is the gate of heaven. enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)

We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Slow cattle crossing. no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

Elephants please stay in your car.

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left.

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

nside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

We were driving and saw a sign that said, "Loose 30 pounds in 1 month." Under the sign there was another sign that had the McDonalds arch with an arrow pointing to the way to McDonalds.

In a counsellors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."

HOTEL: "Help!" We need inn - experienced people

BUTCHER'S WINDOW: Pleased to meat you

AUTO BODY SHOP: May we have the next dents?

SIGN IN AN OFFICE: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left!

VETERINARIANS WAITING ROOM: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

AT THE ELECTRIC COMPANY: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be"

BEAUTY SHOP: Dye now!

GARBAGE TRUCK: We've got what it takes to take what you've got

RESTAURANT WINDOW: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up

BOWLING ALLEY: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop

CAFETERIA: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want

MUSIC LIBRARY: Bach in a minuet

FUNERAL HOME: Drive carefully, we'll wait

At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here and get gas."

At a Sante Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In an New York restaurant "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

In a Michigan restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm!" "Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."

On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." "-- Sisters of Mercy"

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

On a movie theatre: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."

"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."

I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here... You have to bring your own.

Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

 

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